Living With GRACE

GRATEFUL when it’s not so GREAT

By Linda Hunter | Published October 1, 2012

It’s easy to be grateful; when there is money in the bank, the family is healthy, there is food on the table, the sun is shining, the flowers are blooming, the shower water stays hot, and the kids are enjoying school. It can however be a much harder concept to lean into when things are not going so well; when someone you love is dying, the world you know is changing and there is going to be a new normal, one that you can’t quite get your head around or accept. This is precisely the time to get grateful, to recognize the gift in the lesson, and to find the space to give thanks… once you have finished crying that is.

In 1998, having lived on beautiful Vancouver Island less than three years, we got the call; you know the kind of call we all dread. My mother-in-law, Margaret, had broken her arm, and they had found a tumour and were going to need to operate; it looked like cancer. Still reeling from having just lost my father-in-law to cancer, a few months before, this was a shock we felt unprepared to handle. We quickly went from disbelief, into action mode. We bought the plane tickets, told the children we were going to visit Grandma for two weeks, paid the bills, took vacation time from work, and prepared for the cross country journey to Toronto. We wore brave faces and made silent deals with whoever was listening.

We arrived to hugs and kisses, and tears. We made plans to bring Margaret to the Island, to the beautiful healing West Coast, where she could recover from her grief, and her illness, and continue on the road to wellness. Our solution was short lived.

Following the surgery, we met with the doctors to discuss Margaret’s prognosis and our idea for West Coast recovery. We heard words such as secondary and primary cancer and then the word ‘terminal’, and we sat quiet, and cried and watched our hopes for healing drift out the open window into an afternoon filled with sunshine, from a room filled with nothing but darkness.

Then we did what we have so often done when facing a life decision, we made a cup of tea and asked ourselves, “What would love do here?” and as always, the answer came immediately; we had to stay, until the end, and help Margaret die. What now seems like a blur became a flurry of activity, as we set about making our decision happen. We knew it would be difficult – for us, for our children, for my parents living back in our shared house on the Island. We knew we could lose our jobs, run out of money, and that our children would need to go to school in a town they barely recognized with children they didn’t know. But we also knew that we had love and a strong family on our side and that whatever we were facing could never be as dark as what Margaret was facing, her own end. What we didn’t yet know was that the next seven months would bring us the most amazing gifts, that we would become less fearful and more grateful as time went on, and that the lessons would stay with us forever.

As the days drew in, and we lived our new normal, feelings of gratitude began to grow. Of course, there were still many tears, but there was also laughter and joy and smiles along the way, birthday parties, school field trips, family holiday dinners; the stuff of life. There was tremendous support from new and old friends, and people rallied to provide. In the most unlikely places, we found courage we lacked, strength we needed, and love, in every place we looked. We found grace, and more and more, we moved from a place of deep sadness to a place of acceptance, to a place of grace and of thanks. Over a seven month period, it seemed as though every one and every thing conspired to help us, to make it easier, to assist us in our journey. We didn’t get what we wanted, but we were surrounded with what we needed:

Our employers out west held our jobs, indefinitely
Margaret advanced our inheritance so we could pay our mortgage and our bills back home and continue to live in Ontario
My sister-in-law made room for her mother which meant our family of five could live in Margaret’s house.
We packed up her household things and sold her house while Margaret concentrated on her health
My sister-in-law owned a swimming pool – I swam every day after our hospital visits
The nurses in the Chemotherapy ward allowed me to stay with Margaret all day; I did some typing and filing, played guitar and sang to patients, took lunch orders, read books, delivered milkshakes and fries, and interviewed people about their life’s story and what really matters.
The local School Board made an exception that allowed all three children to attend the same school and meant our twin boys could stay together in the same kindergarten class.
We spent time with our two baby nieces and got to know them up close and personal
Old friends brought bikes, skateboards, summer clothes, toys, books and games to our young children (aged 5, 5, and 9), so they would feel more at home.
Three amazing women took care of our children after school on the days when Chemo didn’t go so well – our daughter is still in touch with these angels and their families
The hospital staff made us feel welcome, and brought us a cot when we needed to stay the night
We had time to say the important things, and let of go of the less important things
Our children learned about love, duty, commitment, family, life, death, fear and compassion and grew stronger hearts
We came home with no regrets and some amazing memories

So, as we all move forward these many years later, to prepare for another Thanksgiving weekend without my husband’s mum or dad, we give thanks; for the opportunity to spend that final year with Margaret, for the family that not only stood by us but put their arms around us and surrounded us with love, and for the lessons and gifts along the way that won’t be forgotten and that continue to remind us of what is truly important…our time here together, for however long it lasts.

Happy THANKS GIVING

Gratitude Video

A Day Well Spent

By Linda Hunter | Published July 12, 2012

My mother Grace is in her 83^rd year and it would be completely understandable and deserved, if at this age, she chose to spend her days relaxing, napping, or reading for hours. And, while she does spend some time doing all three, much of her time is spent truly ‘living’; a rich life filled with family, friends, daily activities and evening social events, and opportunities to learn something new.

In the past few weeks, she has:

Taken a lesson in self massage, played Chinese Mahjong, cleared out closets for charity
Collected the tickets at the local cinema, read books, and watched TV
Run errands, grocery shopped, banked, and attended a 50^th and a 90^th birthday party
Had her monthly massage, line danced, bought some new clothes
Cut her hair, paid her bills, washed some dishes, spent time at the library
Said hello to a new baby at her Dedication and said goodbye at three funerals
Baked her famous scones, written cards, read emails, and sipped coffee with friends
Enjoyed a reflexology treatment, made dessert, and worked in the garden
Played with her seven year old granddaughter and Skyped her grandsons in Sweden
Made us laugh, told us stories and shared her wisdom

My mother has been doing what she has always done; making the very best of every day. She is under no illusions; she recognizes we are all here for a limited time. She doesn’t take life for granted: she cashes in her reward points right away, buys only ripe bananas, doesn’t waste time, and
says yes more often than no. She is all about the quality of time spent, not the number of years present.

I have been sharing my heart with Grace for over 51 years and a home for more than 17 and I feel lucky to have learned so many lessons.
When I come to the end and look back, I hope, like Grace, that I too will be able to say “this has been a day well spent and a life well lived.”

Finding True NORTH

By Linda Hunter | Published May 6, 2012

What if instead of raising children, we raised them UP – to the light, to stand up and face forward

What if instead of feeling honoured to have them, we felt honoured that they chose us

What if we considered them a gift and a privilege and took our place in line, humbled by their presence

What if instead of looking for ‘teachable’ moments for them, we instead looked for ‘learnable’ moments for us

What if rather than being in charge, we took charge of the best way to help THEM make THEIR own way

What if we were always moving in the same direction, FORWARD, and found a way to travel together

What if we changed the ‘b’ to a ‘y’ and considered it a joy instead of a job

What if we worried more about feeding their spirit and less about what they ate for dinner

What if we could give them what they need so they already had what they want

What if LOVE really is the answer and we have been asking the wrong questions

What if we got out of their way so they could show us what their way looks like

What if we gave them a place to shine instead of standing on their shadow

What if we listened first and then talked

What if we discovered that we’ve been wrong all along…. they didn’t come to us so we could raise them, we came to them, so they could raise us.

Did you hear something…

By Linda Hunter | Published March 27, 2012

Recently, while out walking with my husband, we encountered a friend heading in our direction. He stopped to talk, first taking out his ear buds, and then moments later having finished our chat, resumed his walk, ear buds firmly reinstated.

I couldn’t help thinking that while he was probably listening to some great tunes; he was missing out on a whole other song that was playing
that fine morning.

A cat meowing in the laneway
Young road hockey players yelling ‘car’
A neighbour calling out hello to another neighbour
One baby giggling in a stroller
Another baby crying in a stroller
A mother’s reassuring voice to her twins
The car horn as one driver acknowledged another’s mistake
The beeping sound the stoplight made when it was our turn to cross
A little boy asking his mom if he could play at the park
The songbirds in the trees above
A passenger shouting out his thanks to the driver for holding the bus
The rattle of the chains on the park swings
The sound a seagull made overhead
The soft rustle of the wind through the trees
The sound of laughter coming from the daycare windows
The senior thanking the teen for holding the bank doors open
The swinging sound of a metal ‘for sale’ sign
The whistling of another passerby
The rolling wheels of a senior’s walker
The waves crashing against the boardwalk
The jingling of change in our pockets
A puppy’s bark at the sight of a squirrel
The sounds our footsteps made on the gravel path
The grocery service driver ringing a doorbell
The sound of gratitude for a beautiful morning’s walk

To Have and To Hold…

By Linda Hunter | Published February 13, 2012

On a recent anniversary trip, my husband and I reflected on our 30 years of marriage and why we were still enjoying friendship and love. Having been only 19 and 20 when we wed, our chances of reaching 50 and still being together and happy, were slim.

At 13 ½ years old, I had looked at the Scottish boy visiting next door as a wonderful easy summer boyfriend. And, while I didn’t understand much of what he said through that thick Scottish brogue, I understood cute and different and I enjoyed every minute together, vowing at the end of our month together, to stay in touch and to someday visit him in Scotland.

A year later, having saved all of my babysitting money, I boarded a plane bound for Scotland to spend a month with a young man I hardly knew and a family I had never met. Looking back, I have only gratitude for the parents who had confidence in me, who believed in friendship and young love and who knew that life experience is the best teacher of all. Three years on, the changing Scottish industrial landscape meant a decision to immigrate to Canada and my long distance romance landed right in front of me on a Boeing 747.

My high school years were a challenging time, and adding in a 16 yr old transplanted homesick Scot, one who had already completed high school and was an apprentice mechanic years ahead of his Canadian peers, made it tougher. But by 19, both of us were in College and still in love, so it seemed an easy decision to marry young. Who could have known that a friendship begun at 13 would form the basis for a longtime love, one we would celebrate 30 years later.

Those years passed quickly with careers underway, two inter- provincial moves, three children, caring and grieving for dying parents, friendships, birthdays, graduations, and family holidays -the stuff of marriage and of life. And while not everyone who had wished us well at our 1980 summer wedding was convinced, we hoped we understood what it might take to keep it long and loving. And at 19 we couldn’t see why it wouldn’t.

So under a glorious blue sky and beside an aqua marine ocean in Fiji, I asked my husband what he thought was holding us together and more importantly what had kept us happy all these years. For those who are interested, here are a few of those thoughts….

♥ WHEN MAKING IMPORTANT DECISIONS, we listen to each other, really listen and when it’s time to decide, whoever wants it more than the other person doesn’t want it, wins. It’s never spoken about again and we each support the winning decision fully.

♥ EITHER, SAY IT OUT LOUD or DON’T SAY IT. Think what you like but only say it if it is said out of love or will benefit the other person. And never share something to unburden yourself; some knowledge you just have to live with. We taught our children “if you can’t say it on a billboard, don’t say it out loud”. Honesty is not always the best policy and some things really are better left unsaid. The answer to ‘do I look fat in this?” is always NO and the answer to “am I looking more bald?” is always NO.

♥ LOVING SOMEONE IS EASIER THAN LIVING WITH THEM. Most people are easy to love, not so easy to live with, so we each started out with 5 rules that the other person had to honour. Since there are only 5, we chose wisely and we chose deal breakers. My husband’s “you can’t bring up the past”, meant that the argument about too much golf on Sunday, once resolved, was never mentioned again. And we compromised on everything else – there will always be things that annoy you, put them into perspective because small things can eat away at love, little by little if left to grow.

♥ MARRY YOUR FRIEND was the advice my mother gave me at 19. She said to be sure that we had a strong friendship because once the passion started to fade; the friendship would keep us going.

♥ IT’S NOBODY’S BUSINESS. In our toughest and saddest times, we shared little with our friends or family, at least nothing we considered private and we didn’t ask others for advice. We shared mostly with each other, and professionals when needed. And while that famous saying “a trouble aired is a trouble shared” might work for some, we chose each other because friends can end up taking sides and family members can find it too hard to forget and move on long after you already have.

♥ TAKE YOUR TIME – IT’S ABOUT INTENT. Better to sit with things a while and not rush into saying or doing things you will regret later on. We look at intent – if something is said in the heat of the moment or in anger, know that it can be forgiven. If you can forgive, you can move on.

♥ CREATE RITUALS, CELEBRATE moments and share experiences; open up your home and your table to friends and to strangers. There has often been a party in the works – birthdays on the beach, picnics in the park, graduation parties, and bon voyages. It is a short and ordinary life; we try to add some ‘special to it.

♥ IT’S A PARTNERSHIP. Believe and trust in each other, respect each other and remember how important this person is to you. You are a team, a partnership – spend your time trying to make the other person happy and if they do the same, you can’t help but be happy.

♥ TIME FLIES, so don’t put off anything; you have no way of knowing how much time you will have together- go on vacations, say yes more often than no, accept invitations, share your time together. You will wake up one day and ask yourself where the 30 years went, so make sure you have made enough memories to be able to answer the question.

♥ KEEP GROWING. Grow alongside each other or grow independently, but keep growing and learning and loving and don’t hold each other back.

♥ RAISE INDEPENDENT CHILDREN, so you can move on when they do.

♥ BE GRATEFUL – Love IS the answer, so when you find it, know its value and hold on tight, it’s one amazing ride!

What I LEARNED & RECONFIRMED in 2011

By Linda Hunter | Published December 31, 2011

Upon reflection, here is what 2011 taught me and what I know to be true:

♥ That a sense of order and peace really can reside on the inside regardless of what’s happening on the outside

♥ That adversity is a gift and that although we can’t always see it at the time, if we really look & listen, the gift will reveal itself – every single time

♥ That our three children really are the very best thing that has ever happened to me

♥ That sharing our home with another generation has offered us wisdom and love beyond what we could have hoped for

♥ That life is ‘simple’ and we complicate it , not the other way around

♥ That ageing is something to be grateful for, because the alternative is to not grow old

♥ That an ending need not be sad, it’s the only way to begin something new

♥ That it is easier to make a decision once now, than to have to keep making it over and over again later (thanks Caleigh)

♥ That being in touch with ourselves is more important that being in touch with others

♥ That our children are on loan to us for a very short time, and letting go IS our job

♥ That where you live really is your home, if you let your heart know it

♥ That today is the tomorrow you worried about and tomorrow is the today you might never have, so live in THIS moment, the only one you know you have for sure

♥ That there is no right or fair age to die – we need to live fully NOW

♥ That the world and people are inherently GOOD and as Barry Neil Kaufmann said “the way we choose to see the world, creates the world we see”. I choose to see goodness & abundance.

♥ That LOVE really is the ANSWER

♥ That sharing food is about much more than the food

♥ That we are all ENOUGH

Christmas presents – it’s a spelling mistake

By Linda Hunter | Published December 10, 2011

At this time of year, people can be overheard asking others what present they would like for Christmas. I think there’s been a mistake, a simple spelling mistake. I think the word is ‘presence’ not ‘presents’. I think what we need to do is get ‘present’ and give the gift of time.

I have never understood the need to do so much at this time of year and to tire yourself to the point that you wish the holiday season was over. What if this time of year was instead about slowing down, and reflecting; about savouring what was wonderful this year, and surrendering what wasn’t so welcome. What if we offered up compassion and friendship to those who are suffering, who are ill, who are lonely, who are sad. And then what if we looked forward with fresh eyes and an open heart and a dream for better days.

Ask anyone about their favourite Christmas memory and few will talk about the pace or even the gifts they received. Many will say, the wonder of their children’s faces, sitting by the tree, writing cards by the fire, sharing laughs with friends, baking holiday treats, checking out the neighbourhood lights, walking in fresh snow, crisp cold mornings, cooking, and eating, greeting arriving visitors at the airport, watching holiday movies….

Few will say, rushing around, spending more, sleeping less, figuring out what to buy, trying to find a parking spot….

My memories of my father who is not here at Christmas, are not of what he bought for me, but of putting up the multi coloured house lights, the skating rink in the backyard, cutting down the tree, reading a Child’s Christmas in Wales, and dressing up for his corporate Children’s Christmas party. I remember his presence, not his presents.

So, fix the spelling and make a few changes; slow down a little, breath, have lunch with someone you love, take the joy and spirit of the season to heart and you will be well on your way to what matters most.

And for those of you, who say there is just not enough time, Miriam Weinstein, who wrote The Surprising Power of Family Meals, reminds us ‘time is the one thing we do have, no matter how rich or how poor, no matter our circumstances. Time is how we measure our lives, it is the gift we give others and ourselves. We short change ourselves and those we love by our insistence that we have too many things to do. And so we don’t allow ourselves to do the things we can”.

Make a few changes this year and you may only have to return one thing – the love and friendship that comes your way.

Grateful For The Gurney

By Linda Hunter | Published November 17, 2011

I recently spent an unexpected day in hospital with my husband. He had been in bed for a few days with flu like symptoms and was under his Doctor’s care. On this morning, his health had deteriorated even more and we ended up first in our Doctor’s office and then headed to hospital
for almost eight hours – a full work day.

I had been scheduled to speak at a Conference that day, but instead spent my time, watching and waiting, while many others worked hard to help my husband. Later, that week, someone mentioned that they had felt sorry for me, for wasting my day in hospital, for missing my chance to
present, for having to spend so much time in a hospital room. “Had I had a terrible day?” And I quickly replied, “Actually, no, it had
been quite a good day, and I had spent some of my time writing a list of what I was grateful for that day”

Since you asked, here’s what I am grateful for:

for the heating pad that had kept my husband warm each day in bed
for the pain medication that was making a difference to his severe back pain
for being self- employed so I could spend time by his side
for the nurses who cared for him and for me too as I sat beside him
for the delicious tea and muffins I bought around the corner from the hospital
for the medical plan we have that makes buying prescriptions no burden
for our family Doctor who paid attention to changing symptoms, called our house to check on him
for a car that works that got us to the hospital quickly
for a hospital that is only nine minutes away
for soup from the hospital kitchen, two bowls, and both hot
for the wonderful bed, duvet, and super soft pillows he laid down upon all week
for the TV he watched, and the distraction from pain when he watched it
for friends who called and visited
for hospital doctors who consulted and ruled out the dangerous stuff
for space and a chair for me to be by his side, to read, and write, and chat
for time together with nothing to do but talk
for slowing down – no computer, no cell phones, no music on the iPod – just us
for hospital equipment that worked well
for computers that carry medical history and provide good information
for IV liquids that made such a difference
for a co worker who kept it going at work in his absence
for children that spent time visiting, and showing him he was loved
for wellness that was just around the corner

Not such a bad day after all!

Aging with Grace

By Linda Hunter | Published November 10, 2011

This past week I realized that my mom is old. My mom is 82 so it may not come as a surprise to anyone else that she is old, but it did to me, it came as a quiet, creeping up on you kind of surprise.

My mom has always been ‘with it’; you might even say ‘cool’. She has always been ahead of her time, willing to learn new things, ready to try new adventures, a doer, always in the game, never on the sidelines. And even in her oldest years, she has never seemed ‘old’.

Busy five days a week, Grace has always been active; dancing, table tennis, bridge, exercise class, the Casino, so this week, when I realized that she had actually gotten old, aged without me seeing it, I was surprised, and saddened.

It didn’t come as a thunderbolt; it came to me slowly, a little bit of information at a time. This week at the grocery store, she moved more slowly, it took us longer to shop for her list, and she referred to that list more than once, reminding herself of what she had already bought, had yet to buy. She apologized for taking too much of my time, for making me wait too long at the bank, for not being able to find her money quickly, and for being, well, old.

She seems worried more and sometimes even troubled, at what’s going on out there. She is more timid, finds things more annoying, and gets mad quickly, sometimes at others, sometimes at herself. It’s almost as though she is looking in from the outside, not really a part of what’s going on. And so, I am sad, to see her changing, to recognize that she is different, to know I can’t change it, and to want to save her from it, to keep her safe, to make her happy. I love her and I want her to be ok, always. And I want her to be here, always.

And so, I decide I need to be more patient, to be sure that nothing I say upsets her, to walk a little more slowly when we are together, and to help to ease her troubled mind, to try and make her laugh. And I decide too, to grieve a little, for the mom I see slipping away and for a time when she won’t need me, when she will no longer be here.

But mostly I remind myself to be grateful. My mom is here and sharing our home, she is not undergoing chemotherapy, doesn’t have dementia, doesn’t’ need a walker or a wheelchair. She requires no personal care, pays her own bills, does her own laundry, thinks for herself, and still travels to faraway places. So, if old is all I am dealing with, I think I can cope, and I shall count my blessings – of which it appears, I have many!

The Girl Effect

By Linda Hunter | Published October 9, 2011

Some messages just need to be heard, whether or not you are ready to listen!

http://www.girleffect.org/share/the-big-picture/the-girl-effect-ticking-clock#.TpHnabtFaIU.facebook